Computer Pranks Central

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Jesse // Jun 17, 2007 at 2:33 pm

Jeff. Have you forgotten Soul Calibur II? Have you forgotten the many crushing defeats you suffered at my hands?

I’m a girl, Jeff. A HANDICAPPED girl. I beat your ass with half my brain tied behind my back and 4 beers on board.

Just to be sportsmanlike, I offer you a rematch. Go fire up the Gamecube, start up a 2-player game. Now set the other controller on the floor and watch as I beat you from California using only my mind.

Tisk Tisk, Poor Jesse, you had a good challenge going there but you went and beat your self for me. But before I get into that, let me talk about your challenge. You say you can beat me in Soul Calibur II, and even without you being present. That is a very lofty claim you have presented there. So lets lay down the facts:

Have we ever played each other in Soul Calibur II… YES
Did you beat me… Yes
Are you a girl… Yes
Are you a HANDICAPPED girl… Yes

AWH! There is the problem see. Because of affirmative action I am required by law to let you win.

Affirmative Action refers to policies intended to promote access to education or employment aimed at a historically socio-politically non-dominant group; typically minorities or women. Motivation for Affirmative Action policies is to redress the effects of past discrimination and to encourage public institutions such as Universities, Hospitals and Police forces to be more representative of the population.

See, in the gaming world women and especially handicapped woman are the minority. You are like one of those two toned lobsters every one is been talking about…Link.. Let me explain…

First off your a girl, that means I have to let you win 3 out of 5 times (article 5 subsection 10), then you add in the handicapped factor and I have to let you win every single time (Article 7 subsection 11).

So of course you could beat me with out me even being here. In fact by law, I would have to some how edit the game to hit myself, otherwise I might be fired from my job, my life savings taken from me or worse….

I know this might come as a shock to you. At first you thought “Hey I beat his ass” and now after reading this you might be thinking “This whole time! My life was nothing but a lie, he knows I can’t block low… HE KNOWS! Damn dirty apes! ”

Jesse I know this must be hard to take; that you as a female, a handicapped female, now know that all the things in life you have succeeded at are nothing but affirmative action victories. If it makes you feel any better I cried inside ever time I lost.